Okay, hands up who’s sick of New Year’s Resolutions already?

I am writing this blog using my Davina Mc Call DVD to prop up my computer keyboard whilst stuffing my face with a Cadbury’s Caramel so you can see just how well I am doing!

And as a subscriber to various Sort Out Your Life style websites I have recently been bombarded by newsletters and emails telling me exactly how to make the perfect set of resolutions.

‘Say good-bye to failure!’ they scream. ‘This year set goals you are bound to achieve!”

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve read about fat-burning exercises and fat-free diets to make your cellulite quiver. I’ve been told that this is the year my career dreams will finally come to fruition. I’ve been given endless tips on how to meet my soulmate, how to write a novel in a weekend and oh yes, along the way, achieve financial freedom.

I’ve been told how to turn previous ‘limiting beliefs’ into empowering paradigms ie; ‘Neil Diamond doesn’t even know I exist and I will die lonely and unloved clutching my copy of the Jazz Singer’ has now become, ‘I am loved by Neil Diamond in a way that poets can only dream of. I will die happy in the knowledge that Sweet Caroline was actually written for me.’ (Same initials people – come on work it out!)

Anyway, in a nutshell, we are 13 days into 2010 and I have new year’s resolution fatigue already. So if anyone else out there is feeling the same way, here are a set of ALTERNATIVE resolutions that I can guarantee you will keep:-

1. I resolve to start treating my cellulite with a bit more respect. Wobbly fat has rights too. I hereby banish my body brush and promise to stock up on the sea of Easter eggs the stores have so kindly rushed into stock.
2. Life is crap. And so are people. I resolve to write down all of my flaws on bits of paper and stick them around my home to remind myself never to fall prey to false hope or positivity.
3. Exercise DVDs are the leading cause of living room related injuries. I resolve to burn any I might have accidentally bought in a wave of post Christmas guilt  and thereby avoid falling victim to the crippling ‘coffee table knee’ or ‘mantlepiece elbow.’
4. Beat the winter blues by taking up smoking. If you already smoke – take up glue sniffing.
5. Spend less time with family and friends (they probably all hate you anyway – see Resolution 2).
6. Each month aim to increase your overdraft / credit card bill by at least 10% of your earnings. Get rid of any savings accounts. Saving is for wimps!
7. Give less to charity – unless it is on your overdraft / credit card – in which case give more.
8. Make 2010 the year you win demotion at work. No-one likes an office crawler and anyway excessive ambition has been linked to bizarre hairpiece wearing (see Donald Trump) and odd waistband activity (Simon Cowell).
9. Abandon all hope of meeting your soulmate and avoid a lifetime of false expectation. There is a very good reason why 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce and the remaining 1 in therapy.
10. If you have read all of the above and still find yourself wanting to make positive changes to your life this year then I recommend you buy this one book. I bought a copy back in 1997 and it led to me achieving my dream of becoming a published author…