Wish You Were Here?

Greetings! And apologies for my two week absence. I have been on my staycation.

For those of you not in the know – a staycation is the latest trend in holidaying – where you stay in your home country rather than vacationing abroad. Obviously one of those trends sparked by the recession where we pretend that having no money is ‘super-fun’ – as in, who needs a beach-basting in Barbados when you could be dodging downpours in Skegness? Or in my case, Lewes, Brighton and Wolverhampton.

I was accompanied on my staycation by my twelve year old son Jack - my boyfriend is acting in a play at the moment so was unable to join us. What follows are a series of postcards from each of our ports of call, so that you can share in our staycation joy:

GREETINGS FROM LEWES – PART 1

Have arrived at the hotel and it is like staying in an episode of ‘Most Haunted’ what with the oak-beamed ceilings and sloping floors. Apparently Thomas Paine wrote ‘The Rights of Man’ in the bar here. Classic moment at the reception desk when a fellow guest was overheard complaining that the design of her room “just wasn’t up to 21st Century standards.” To which the receptionist dead-panned, ‘Well it was built in the eighteenth century, madam.” Off on a hike across the Downs now. Can’t wait. They look fantastic -  so lush and green!  S x

GREETINGS FROM LEWES – PART 2

Well I don’t know what happened to the Downs! They looked like they were close to the hotel but when we set off walking we ended up on the A road back to London. Nearly got squashed by several articulated lorries and ended up in a carpark behind some kind of industrial plant. Not very scenic really. Was just like being at home! We were just about to give up when we saw a group of pensioners walking down the road. They were accompanied by official stewards with ‘Walk Guide’ written on the back of their jackets. We decided to tail them, thinking that they must be heading to the Downs- where else would they be going? Followed them for three quarters of an hour around the back streets of Lewes – trying not to look conspicuous every time they stopped to look at some flowers or a bit of water – only to end up at some kind of community centre for ‘Over 60s Bingo Hour’. Most disappointing.  S x

GREETINGS FROM BRIGHTON

Just got back from the pier. Hang on a minute I think I might be sick again. No, it’s ok, I guess I got rid of it all on the beach. I remember when going to the seaside meant ‘fishing’ in crab pools, sand castle building and the scariest ride you went on was a donkey. Which bright spark decided to put man-made death traps on the end of the pier? I am NEVER going on a roller coaster again. Jack seemed to enjoy it though. He said he’d never seen anything funnier than me screaming ‘we’re all going to die’ . He was a bit baffled at my hysterical recitation of the Lords Prayer though. I guess he’s not too familiar with the whole Last Rites concept. If it wasn’t bad enough being sick over the side of the pier, the final humiliation came when the official photographer asked if they could use my picture from the ride in the Horror Hotel to ‘terrify the kids’. Wish I was there… Sx

GREETINGS FROM WOLVERHAMPTON

Well here we are – on the final leg of our staycation – deep in the heart of the Black Country. We came up to watch Wolves play their first premiership game of the season. The atmosphere in the ground was electric and the game was great – despite Wolves losing 2-nil. At the station now, waiting for our train back to London. With several hundred West Ham fans. They seem like nice chaps. All wearing very clean trainers. And singing lovely songs about blowing bubbles, aw, how sweet. Now they’re singing about what they’d like to do to West Londoners. Good grief! I didn’t think it was possible to fit one of those in that particular orifice?!! Oh dear! Wish you were here??? S x