R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Last Sunday I had to stand behind a ticker tape emblazoned with the word RESPECT.

It was even in capitals.

And I wasn’t at an Aretha Franklin concert.

I was actually watching my son play football and the tape was there to remind me not to run on to the pitch and beat up the referee / opposing team coach / opposing team players.

My son is twelve.

The RESPECT barrier is part of a new initiative by the FA to keep parents under control at kids’ football games. You might have seen the recent TV ads starring Ray Winstone as a psycho dad who ends up screaming at an empty pitch. The point being that the behaviour of some parents is leading to a steep decline in those willing to ref or coach kids’ football.

For those of you who don’t have footballing kids this might all seem a tad OTT.

I know that when I took my son to his first ever football game at the tender age of six I imagined the parents all sitting on picnic blankets in the sun – chattering about soap operas while birds chirruped in the background, pausing every now and again to cheer when little Johnny scored a goal / saved a goal / won a tackle.

Dear reader, I was sorely mistaken.

Firstly, due to the football season falling squarely outside of the four weeks we laughingly refer to as summer, there are no picnic blankets. Ever. There are plenty of welly boots and woolly hats, frozen cheeks and frostbite however.

Secondly, there is no chirruping and chattering (apart from the teeth). Instead the soundtrack to the average kids’ football match at any given moment in time will go something like this:

“Kick it Johnny, kick it! No, not like that! Remember what I told you about how daddy used to do it? Oh for Christ’s sake! Don’t you want that new Nintendo DS / Playstation 3 / X-Box?!! Refereeeeee! There was no way that was off-side. Lino? Lino? What the f**k?!! Johnny get up! Clatter him Johnny! Johnny just kick him! Kill him Johnny! Kill him!! Refereeeeeeeeee! What are you sending him off for? Jesus Christ!”

And so on.

Thankfully, my son plays for a really nice team, with really nice coaches and really nice parents.

So the RESPECT barrier was a little bit lost on us on Sunday.

However, in previous games I have seen parents giving the half time talks accompanied by a pack of growling pitbulls. I have seen fully grown men reduce their seven year old sons to tears. And a fully grown woman threatening to ‘smash up’ another woman because their sons were involved in a slightly over physical tackle.

The best part about last Sunday’s RESPECT barrier was the fact that while us parents remained immaculately behaved behind it the (FA approved) opposition team manager was up to all kinds of shennanigans.

Prior to the game starting he was spotted behind an oak tree ,Dick Dastardly style, furtively blowing the balls up to bursting point – a tactic designed to baffle our team and make it impossible to win a ball in the air. It is also highly dangerous. Within two minutes the ref had stopped play, inspected the balls and demanded replacements.

From that moment on the manager was on the ref’s back, screaming increasingly vitriolic comments at him as the game progressed.

The ref was 15. The coach was in his late 40s.

Midway through the second half when my son (who is a defender) won the ball in the box and stopped a shot on goal, the other team’s coach immediately demanded a penalty.

The ref refused.

The coach ran on to the pitch.

My son suggested he ought to try acting his age.

The coach yelled at him to “Shaddup!”

Respect indeed.