Cabbage Love

For the past few years I have co-hosted an event called the London Literature Lounge.

The Literature Lounge is an eclectic mix of live music, spoken word, sometimes dance and always incense.

We meet once a month at the Poetry Cafe in Covent Garden and every two months or so we also take the Lounge on the road.

Last Friday I co-hosted an event in a theatre in Harrow, where I also run a weekly writing group.

I was also billed to read from my new novel, Dear Dylan.

I had really been looking forward to it.

Do you sense a bit of a ‘but’ coming, dear reader?

The night got off to a great start, and not just because I was sitting down wind of the incense stick and was pleasantly high on patchouli.

Blues singer and guitarist Robert Hokum had kicked things off with a cracking opening set and I could see my dad – who I had invited along for a ‘night of culture’ – tapping his feet away and getting into the groove.

My dad is known for his ryvita-dry wit so inviting him along to things always brings with it an added terror; knowing that if it fails to live up to expectations you will be hearing about it for a mighty long time to come.

So I breathed a patchouli infused sigh of relief at his obvious enjoyment and settled in to enjoy the night.

My reading went well - as did everyone elses’.

In the interval my dad said he was having a ‘very nice time’ – praise indeed.

BUT….

The second half was opened by a performance artist called Stacey Makishi.

She had been booked by somebody else so I knew nothing about her or her act, or indeed what ‘performance art’ really entailed.

I sat down next to my dad and prepared myself for some kind of poetry-plus – a few lines of verse interspersed with dance perhaps? Or song? Or maybe even mime?

The one thing I had not been expecting was for her to walk on stage holding a cabbage.

In hindsight it might not have been so bad if all she had done was ‘hold’ the cabbage.

But I got a terrible sinking feeling the moment some ‘sexy-time’ music started playing and she started slow dancing around the stage with it.

On one side of me my dad began shifting in his seat. I remained frozen rigid – and on my other side Robert Hokum start to shake with silent laughter.

Then she brought the cabbage to her lips and started to kiss it – whilst making low guttural moaning noises.

‘Holy mother of God!’ my dad whispered under his breath.

Robert bent over double in some kind of spasm.

I remained transfixed whilst mentally calculating how many pints of beer my dad had consumed and whether it equalled enough to begin heckling.

I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself. Surely it couldn’t get any worse? Surely soon she would put the cabbage down and read a poem or something?

But no – of course she wouldn’t. She hadn’t made love to the cabbage yet, had she?!!!

Now, I don’t know about you, but I find there is nothing more excruciating than finding yourself watching a sex scene on a film or TV with one of your parents present.

Well let me tell you – there is nothing, NOTHING, more excruciating than watching a live sex show involving a woman AND A CABBAGE with YOUR DAD who has consumed at least FOUR PINTS OF BEER and is well known for his SARCASTIC HUMOUR.

On and on she thrust herself at that poor cabbage.

To my left I could see Robert wiping tears from his face , whilst to my right my dad sat bolt upright, his bottom jaw hanging open.

Please, please, don’t let him say anything, I silently prayed.

Finally the thrusting stopped.

She put the cabbage down and treated the crowd to a post-coital smile.

There was a moment of stunned silence and then my dad spoke:

“Jesus Christ! I used to like cabbage!”

But the show wasn’t over yet! I shrunk back into my seat and watched mortified as she started to wretch. And wretch.

When a brussel sprout came bursting out of her mouth I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Robert carried on doing both.

My dad was thankfully stunned into silence. However, I did receive the following poem from him in the post today:

You might trust your daughter to take you

Where the arts would help to make you

So unlike the savage -

Who would ravage a cabbage!

But what you see will certainly quake you!

For those of you who would like to share my pain you can see ‘Cabbage Love’ on You Tube by clicking here.

My New FREE book

My new book, Dear Dylan is now available as a free electronic download via this website.

Please go to the Dear Dylan page for more information.

Hope you like it!

Dreamed into Life

Today I took delivery of my first copy of my new book Dear Dylan.

There is no greater feeling as an author than seeing your book ‘in the flesh’ for the very first time.

In may ways it is like giving birth. Something that began as the mere seed of an idea, that you then spent months nurturing, working on (and stressing over!) is finally delivered – only in this case by a very nice DHL man rather than a midwife!

It never ceases to amaze me how something that begins life as a random, single thought can somehow end up becoming a fully formed book, complete with its very own cover, blurb and ISBN number!

Earlier on this evening I was sat at my desk, where I wrote Dear Dylan, and I thought it would be a nice idea to take a photo of the place where it all began complete with the finished product…

Dear Dylan began life as a thought I had at a drama workshop I was running for teenagers one school holiday.

It was a what if thought. What if a teenage girl started emailing her favourite actor as a way of getting things off her chest and then one day he emailed her back?

This led to another what if?

But what if it wasn’t actually the actor emailing her at all?

And so the idea for the novel was born.

I wanted to blog about this because I wanted to show that sometimes dreams can come true.

If you want something badly enough and you are prepared to put in the hard graft then I believe it is possible to dream almost anything into life. One of my favourite quotes from Goethe sums it up beautifully:

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”

So go on then, what are you waiting for?!!

Got it Covered

I just signed off the cover for my new book Dear Dylan and thought you might be interested in seeing the progression from the very first biro sketch:

… to finished product:

The cover for Dear Dylan was designed by illustrator Michael Hill, who also designed the cover for my last book with Hodder & Stoughton, The Scene Stealers. Working on this cover with him was a really fascinating process and I can’t recommend him highly enough.

Give Kids a Break

Right now the newspapers and phone-in shows are buzzing with the latest horror to befall our children – social networking site Facebook.

A 17 year old girl was lured to her death by a sex offender posing as a teenage boy on the site so now parents everywhere are wringing their hands in despair.

I’ve heard parents talking about the best ways to snoop on their teenage children’s internet habits and exchanging tips on how to censor certain sites.

Then, on last night’s news, I heard that some schools are installing CCTV cameras in their toilets. For the children’s protection.

Oh really?

Am I the only parent who thinks there’s  something very wrong about all of this?

Firstly, if our generation weren’t so busy ‘having it all’ and had a bit more time for our kids would they feel the need to create online communities?

And if we had the sense to allow our kids the same kind of freedom we had growing up ie; PLAYING OUT and PHYSICALLY SEEING THEIR FRIENDS would they feel the need to befriend faceless profiles on Bebo or Facebook?

How many parents reading this can honestly say that there haven’t been moments when they’ve felt relieved that little Johnny or Jackie have been busy online while they juggle making dinner, finishing a report, checking homework, cleaning the budgie etc?

We can’t have it all ways.

And as a parent whose son has been setting up sports websites and forums since he was ten years old I think the internet can be an amazing place for kids. My son has made friends all over the world and has developed a remarkable talent for web design thanks to his time spent online.

And yes, one of those ‘friends’ could be a ‘monster’ attempting to groom him. But then so could the man next door. Or the family friend. Or indeed the member of the family.

How do we serve our children by putting the fear of God into them all the time?

How do we raise confident, free thinking individuals if hysteria causes us to keep our kids cooped up in their bedrooms and then censor their every communication with the outside world?

This subject is of particular interest to me as in my upcoming novel for teens, Dear Dylan, the main character, a 14 year old girl, befriends someone online – shock horror – an adult. During the course of the book, this girl makes the decision to meet up with the older woman in person. This is a decision she makes once she has had ample proof of the woman’s identity and she meets her in a very public and safe place.

The friendship that they form is supportive and life changing for both of them.

Proving that not all adults are monsters.

And not all friendships formed on the internet are bogus.

Surely making informed decisions like the one my character makes is all a part of growing up?

And as long as parents give their kids the tools necessary to make such decisions then we shouldn’t need to keep them under lock and key. Or film them on the toilet. Or scare the hell out of them at every opportunity.

That to me is the real abuse.

Exciting Times!

In my writing career I have been lucky enough to have many exciting things happen to me.

I have been lucky enough to get not one but two literary agents. I have been lucky enough to get four book deals with major publishing houses. I have been lucky enough to sell the options for my first novel to a film producer and sit in a meeting where I was told that actresses like Kate Winslett would ‘kill’ to play the main character! (I had yet to learn that film producers can talk a fair amount of b*****ks!) I have been lucky enough to appear on national television and radio more times than I can mention. I have been lucky enough to acquire a German publisher. I have been lucky enough to receive amazing emails from readers all over the world. And I have been lucky enough to receive positive reviews for all of my books in the national press.

However, I have also experienced a rather more unpleasant side to the world of publishing.

I’ve experienced the pressures of living up to a publisher’s high expectations. And the crushing disappointment when they are not met. I’ve experienced the fear and isolation when your editor resigns and you are left to sink or swim on your own. I’ve experienced the frustrations of being given book covers that I didn’t feel represented the content of the book. I’ve experienced the shock of having a book published by a major publisher with no publicity or marketing budget.

And more recently I experienced the ‘delights’ of dealing with a publisher without an agent. This was with my first book for young adults, Dear Dylan.

Initially it all went really well. I had heard that a publisher was looking for new titles for their fiction list so I sent off the manuscript. It was the first publisher I sent it to.

Within a week I was offered a two book deal.

My agent doesn’t deal in children’s fiction so I decided to handle my own contract.

The contract I got was, quite frankly, an insult.

As soon as I compared it with my previous contracts from Random House and Hodder & Stoughton I realised that I was being offered way below the standard rates.

So I sent the contract back, amended in red, with what I thought I ought to be getting.

The editor immediately upped her offer. Quite dramatically.

But this all left me with a really bad taste in my mouth.

 Clearly the minute the publisher learnt I was representing myself they thought they would try it on. All the emails and phone calls I had received raving about how ‘fresh’ and ‘original’ my book was and how excited they were to have it, were seemingly forgotten. Author’s royalties are low at the best of times. To try and bring them down even lower was an absolute joke.

So I withdrew my book.

I wasn’t being a diva – it just didn’t feel right.

Then I sat on it for a while, trying to decide what to do next.

Today I made my decision. And I have to say it has been the most exciting and rewarding moment of my writing career to date.

I’ve decided to give the book away for FREE.

I wrote Dear Dylan after years of running workshops for teenagers and wanting to give them something that would help them through what can often be a challenging time.

I wanted to write a piece of fiction that teenagers could hopefully relate to and take inspiration from.

SO…

I have decided to self publish the book with a company called AuthorHouse and give it away for FREE as a digital download. Hopefully this way Dear Dylan can get to as many readers as possible. It would also be kind of fun to fully embrace the digital revolution that seems to have the traditional publishing world in a bit of a panic. And coming from someone who vowed she would never, ever part with her vinyl record collection this is set to be somewhat of a steep learning curve!

So now I feel like kind of like the Kevin Spacey character in American Beauty when he walks out of his job.

After years of worrying about keeping a publisher happy it is so liberating to say, to hell with it, I’m going to give the book away. And it feels very, very right.

The book is now being launched at the London Book Fair in April , where I am also guest speaking.

Exciting times indeed!