Pet Hates – the epilogue

I got all smug didn’t I?

After blogging about how I had the whole being able to read on trains without some eejit reading over my shoulder thing sussed I ditched my ‘How to Create the Perfect Murder’ tome for the slightly less sinister, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

And b***er me if, within ten minutes of my journey, some woman sitting next to me didn’t poke me in the arm and say, “excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me talking to you but I couldn’t help but notice what you were reading.”

Everyone on the EXTREMELY CROWDED carriage turned to look at this person who had dared to speak to a stranger on the Underground – the collective bating of breath was so huge the walls of the train actually quivered.

I turned to her and forced a smile.

“It’s incredible, isn’t it?” she continued – prompting everyone to turn their gaze upon the book in my lap.

“Yes,” I nodded.

“And so helpful if you’re going through a difficult time.”

The entire carriage proceeded to examine my face for signs of a mental breakdown.

“Hmm,” I replied, hoping that if I didn’t actually make eye contact with her she would shut up. But no, so excited was this woman to have found what she obviously deemed to be a kindred tortured spirit, she chattered on.

“It really helped me to deal with my abusive relationship.”

Great – now the whole carriage was examining my face for signs of bruising.

“I didn’t like that stuff he said about women’s periods though…”

Oh for god’s sake!

But there was no let up. “Do you think it’s right? What he said about periods?”

The whole carriage waited for my words of wisdom on the subject of menstruation, but unfortunately all they got was, “Oh – it’s my stop!”

Pet Hates…

One thing I really, really hate is when people start reading my newspaper or book over my shoulder on the tube.

I don’t mind it so much when they do this subtly, keeping their head fixed firmly forwards whilst sliding their eyes at right angles down to your page. But it’s when they make no effort whatsoever to disguise their downright nosiness that it really gets my goat.

Of course, being British I am far to polite / uptight / stiff upper lipped to actually say anything to these over the shoulder violators, however I have recently happened upon the perfect solution, which not only ensures that no-one dare invade my personal space, it also seems to guarantee that I enjoy the luxury of an empty seat beside me for most of my journey.

Two weeks ago I purchased a ‘How To’ book to help with the re-write of my thriller. It is crammed full of juicy headings such as ’WHEN TO KILL VICTIM NUMBER ONE‘ and ‘DISPOSAL OF THE MURDER WEAPON.’

Now, the minute anyone starts craning their neck to get a better view of my reading material, rather than hug it to me as I used to, I very helpfully move it over until it is practically in their lap. Then I start muttering and giggling under my breath and uttering random words like, ‘blood’ and ‘die’. 

For some bizarre reason it works a treat!

New Year’s Revolution!

Okay, hands up who’s sick of New Year’s Resolutions already?

I am writing this blog using my Davina Mc Call DVD to prop up my computer keyboard whilst stuffing my face with a Cadbury’s Caramel so you can see just how well I am doing!

And as a subscriber to various Sort Out Your Life style websites I have recently been bombarded by newsletters and emails telling me exactly how to make the perfect set of resolutions.

‘Say good-bye to failure!’ they scream. ‘This year set goals you are bound to achieve!”

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve read about fat-burning exercises and fat-free diets to make your cellulite quiver. I’ve been told that this is the year my career dreams will finally come to fruition. I’ve been given endless tips on how to meet my soulmate, how to write a novel in a weekend and oh yes, along the way, achieve financial freedom.

I’ve been told how to turn previous ‘limiting beliefs’ into empowering paradigms ie; ‘Neil Diamond doesn’t even know I exist and I will die lonely and unloved clutching my copy of the Jazz Singer’ has now become, ‘I am loved by Neil Diamond in a way that poets can only dream of. I will die happy in the knowledge that Sweet Caroline was actually written for me.’ (Same initials people – come on work it out!)

Anyway, in a nutshell, we are 13 days into 2010 and I have new year’s resolution fatigue already. So if anyone else out there is feeling the same way, here are a set of ALTERNATIVE resolutions that I can guarantee you will keep:-

1. I resolve to start treating my cellulite with a bit more respect. Wobbly fat has rights too. I hereby banish my body brush and promise to stock up on the sea of Easter eggs the stores have so kindly rushed into stock.
2. Life is crap. And so are people. I resolve to write down all of my flaws on bits of paper and stick them around my home to remind myself never to fall prey to false hope or positivity.
3. Exercise DVDs are the leading cause of living room related injuries. I resolve to burn any I might have accidentally bought in a wave of post Christmas guilt  and thereby avoid falling victim to the crippling ‘coffee table knee’ or ‘mantlepiece elbow.’
4. Beat the winter blues by taking up smoking. If you already smoke – take up glue sniffing.
5. Spend less time with family and friends (they probably all hate you anyway – see Resolution 2).
6. Each month aim to increase your overdraft / credit card bill by at least 10% of your earnings. Get rid of any savings accounts. Saving is for wimps!
7. Give less to charity – unless it is on your overdraft / credit card – in which case give more.
8. Make 2010 the year you win demotion at work. No-one likes an office crawler and anyway excessive ambition has been linked to bizarre hairpiece wearing (see Donald Trump) and odd waistband activity (Simon Cowell).
9. Abandon all hope of meeting your soulmate and avoid a lifetime of false expectation. There is a very good reason why 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce and the remaining 1 in therapy.
10. If you have read all of the above and still find yourself wanting to make positive changes to your life this year then I recommend you buy this one book. I bought a copy back in 1997 and it led to me achieving my dream of becoming a published author…

Out With the Old

So, how was it for you? 2009 I mean.

Many people I know seem to have had a very traumatic time of it last year.

Jobs, houses, relationships have all been lost. And dreams have dissolved into disappointment.

Personally I had the shock of my boyfriend’s cancer diagnosis plus the deaths of two family members to contend with. In 2009 my life felt like one of those snow storm toys – everything quiet and calm and just so at the very beginning and then someone or something came along and gave it all a massive shake up. I spent most of 2009 trying to find my way through the storm and wondering if things would ever return to ‘normal’ again. And every time it felt as if the storm was beginning to settle, something else would come along to shake things up again.

But the weird thing is that although 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life – it has also given me some of my most magical memories. Dealing with cancer up close and personal gives you a great perspective on things – it also makes you incredibly grateful for the things we can so often take for granted.

Back in March of last year my boyfriend was told he might only have two months to live. Fast forward to December and he was celebrating his birthday in true rock and roll style – and mirculously cancer-free – see below in the blue Everton shirt:

Okay, so he might have less hair than he used to, and his favourite tipple these days might be a carton of red grape juice rather than a bottle of merlot but he is STILL HERE. And miracles can and do happen.

One exercise I always do at the end of each year is to write down a list of all the things I’m proud of achieving in the preceding 12 months. It’s a great way to start a new year – reminding yourself of all the good stuff you’re capable of – and it really fires you up for those new year’s resolutions.

Personally I’m not a great fan of new years’ resolutions in the traditional sense – they always seem to be about deprivation – and at the grimmest time of the year weatherwise too!  I mean – is it really a good way to embark upon a new year – or in this case, a new decade – with a list of ways in which to make yourself miserable? I have it on very good authority that to give up chocolate in the winter months can lead to serious health complications and terrible mood swings!

However, I do believe that the new year is a great time to draw a line under the previous 12 months by writing down a wish list for the coming 12. What better way to see out the old (especially if the old has left you feeling  battered and bruised) than by looking forward to the new?

In my next blog I will be sharing some tips on creating a magical wish list for the coming year. In the mean time I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the messages of encouragement and support you have sent me via this website in 2009. The importance of friendship is definitely one of the most important gifts this past year has brought me.

And on that note I would like to leave you with a quote from Anais Nin which seems to sum up the gift of friendship so perfectly:

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

Wishing you a new year filled with the love and laughter and support of friends…